Childhood Anxiety: Aggressive Behaviors

DOES YOUR CHILD SUFFER FROM ANXIETY?

This is part 3 of a 4 part series on childhood anxiety.

As mentioned in parts 1 and 2 of this series, children may experience nervousness which is considered a normal part of the childhood experience. They may cautious about trying new things such as food or activities. They may initially pull back when meeting new people and they may even cling to you in some fashion. These children are often referred to as “shy” or “slow to warm up”.  In part 1 we talked about the anxious child who will “shut-down” when their “free-floating anxiety” attaches itself to something. In Part 2 we talked about the anxious child who demonstrates escape behaviors when overwhelmed by their anxiety.

In Part 3 we will look at the anxious child who becomes aggressive.

How to recognize your child’s aggression as a sign of anxiety?

Sometimes a child experiencing heightened anxiety will exhibit many of the behaviors that an oppositional or defiant child will exhibit. They may be argumentative, aggressive and appear generally angry. They may appear controlling, demanding and inflexible. They may even lie or blame others. It’s is likely they will struggle with concentration, appropriate social behavior and consistently following rules.

Understanding the root cause of the above behaviors is indeed challenging. These behaviors look the same as the behaviors of children with attention-deficit disorder and/or oppositional defiant disorder. Children with all three disorders have cause a lot of disruption at school and at home. They may struggle to maintain positive relationships with teachers or friends.

However, the behaviors described above are very likely and more accurately caused by an underlying anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a fear response, it is trigger by survival instincts, and survival often includes aggressively defending yourself. The trouble is when our children demonstrate these behaviors they often end up pushing away the adults that want to help them. They struggle to find the necessary words to tell us what they are afraid of, what they are feeling and what they are needing. The struggle to believe that we can be therefore “for them” and that we are not “against them”.

What does your child need from you when their heightened anxiety triggers aggressive behavior?

Safety first. Once safety has been established it is important to let your child know that you still love them. As stated in previous parts of this series maintain a calm and matter of fact tone of voice. This is not the time to talk about consequences for inappropriate behavior. This is not the time to ask your child why they did what they did. Before those issues can be addressed your child’s, anxiety needs to be reduced.

Reassure your child. Tell your child that you realize they are very upset and that you love them and are going to help them calm down. When you notice them beginning to take deep breaths or take time to think before they act acknowledge that and verbally reward them for their efforts. Remind them that they are strong and that they can regain control of themselves.

Offer a distraction. Offer them a change in scenery and a way to reengage in relationship with you. Invite them to take a walk, shoot some hoops, help you with a fun chore or go for a drive with you. Ask them if they would like to take a bath or shower or they are calm enough to do so independently.

Provide them with comfort items. This may be chewy foods or something cold to drink (warm weather) or hot to drink (cool weather) or a favorite stuffed animal or blanket.
After allowing sufficient time for your child to calm down (this may take hours or even until the next day) tell your child that you know it must have felt really bad for them to get as out of control as they did. Be empathic. Humans in general do not remember their behaviors during times of heightened anxiety. This is even more often to occur when the heighted anxiety has led to aggressive behavior. Do not expect them to remember what they did or what they said as it is likely they will not remember. If they feel pressured to remember they may come up with a plausible story but it will likely hold inconsistencies which can cause you to believe they are lying or manipulating. Therefore, it is best not to verbally recreate the aggressive event.

Discuss consequences in a matter of fact manner. Here is a sample script …

I know you must have been having a hard time when you (describe one or two of the behaviors, it is not important to describe all of them). I really hope we can find a way together to help you so that (same behavior addressed before) doesn’t happen again. Your consequence for is (tell your child compassionately what their consequence is). I think we should (see your doctor, make that therapy appointment, talk with your school counselor, or … ) as a first step in helping you so this doesn’t happen again.
Next, we will learn about the highly anxious child’s submissive behaviors.